I was reminded of the WongFu Productions video I watched some time ago. It's called "The Last". If any of you non-existent readers here have watched it (watch it if you havent), here's my version of "The Last" with a little plot twist in my story of who, what, when, where, how, why and with.
Who : He has always been in my life. We met way back in 2009. I was still in high school then, and he just entered college. We met through a friend, and the three of us used to be pretty tight I suppose, considering we've hung out a lot. We even had a mini roadtrip all the way to Genting. When I had a little fight with that "friend" of mine, we ended up going for a movie marathon together. We watched 2 or 3 movies in a day. I remember having the best time of my life, because I had the biggest crush on him. I thought he was really handsome and funny. Too bad he was just a daydream away, and I knew that he'd never liked me, because I'm not as pretty as my friend. She was everything that I'm not, and she got what I wanted the most - his attention. It was heartbreaking, really, but I was young. I knew I had so much ahead of me, so I moved on. I've dated several guys, broke hearts and got mine broken, graduated from high school, enrolled into college and many years had passed very conveniently. It was 2012 already, and with a blink of an eye, 3 years had gone by. Three-freaking-years.. I was going through my Instagram timeline one day, and his picture appeared. I told that same friend, "Look at how handsome he is now!". How ironic it was when a few weeks later, there he was. Standing right before my eyes in a pink shirt, wearing that cheeky smile just like how I remembered it from many years ago..
What : He was the type of guy that made me want to express the girly side of me. I had a short hair back then and trust me when I said I looked fugly as hell. He made me want to wear a dress, and doll myself up to look really pretty. Yeah, he was that kind of guy.. I loved how thoughtful he was too. On the way we met for the first time after many many years, we manage to catch up a little while, before he left with his friends. He didn't just leave without saying a proper goodbye, he came back right before the store closed many hours later with a tiny gift. I was touched. It wasn't anything big, it was gone within seconds it entered my mouth. It's not what you think, ladies and gentlemen, it was cake.. From then on, we flirted a little, and I was reminded of my teenage-self of how much I used to have a crush on him. I couldn't believe he walked into my life again, and for the first time, he actually noticed me..
When : Come to think of it, our friend-lationship has been revolving around Skype since 2009. I clearly remembered how that friend and I would Skype with him, make faces, screenshot them and laughed to ourselves. Believe it or not, I still have those pictures. And remember when I said we used to hang out? I still have all of the pictures with me, but I can't muster enough courage to go through them one by one. Looking back at them, I just can't help but to think, "is this the girl he overlooked yesterday, but fell for today?" I was so ugly, quiet, and immature. Truth be told, I still am. I warned him to not regret getting involved with me. I told him I'm a mess. I told him I couldn't be fixed, I told him I was problematic and he begged to differ.
Now, don't say I haven't told you so. I told you what I was going to become. Look at us now.
Where : July, he walked into my life for the second time. Wait, scratch that. He walked into Machines. The third time we met after that was during my lunch break. That was when he told me he was gonna leave for UK in September. I didn't show it, but I was mad and devastated. Mad at the fact that he just "came back", and he was going to leave again. Devastated because I knew if we were going to keep going out, we'd have to say goodbye eventually. I was late for work that day, but I didn't care. I wanted to spend more time with him. And we did. Even when my fall semester started, we saw each other every single day, dreadfully counting down the days before he'd leave me again. At the airport, I didn't want to cry. I wanted to control macho and act like I was totally okay with him leaving, so he wouldn't feel even more reluctant to go. I wanted him to go with a sound mind. He also said he lovse me for the first time that day. Honestly, I was quite taken aback. I didn't see it coming, and I was a little freaked out, to be frank. How could you love someone that fast? But I didn't care and after I got home, I sent him a few long-ass messages, and I slept. I wanted to wait up so badly, but I couldn't because waiting was probably the most torturing thing to do at that time. So I slept hoping time would pass faster, and by the time I got up, he's already there, settling down while waiting for me to get up. Not having his physical presence was tough. I missed his hugs and cuddles. I wanted him back. At that time, I thought to myself, I got to make this work between us. I can't bare the thought of losing him one last time.
How : After he left, things were great between us. We rarely fought, because he was so patient with me. When my life was tearing apart into millions of pieces, he was there. He doesn't know how it felt like to be in my position, but he had so much of empathy and patience, he tried to put back all the pieces together. Eventhough he failed and I was still broken, he succeeded in many ways and more in making me happy. I've showed him every possible ugly side of me, but he still didn't love me any less. No matter what I wore, how my hair looked or how messy and blegh.. I look, he never once said I look anything less than beautiful. I was a wreck, but he know I couldn't be left alone. He tells me every possible wonderful things to me, and when I was at the lowest point of my life, thinking no one could ever be with me because of who I am, he held my hands and guided me back onto the right path. He taught me to be worthy of myself and it was people's loss for not being able to see me like how he does. That was
how, he saved me. I've never really told him any of that, and how thankful I am to be blessed with an angel like him in my life.
Why : So, what is it then, damn it? What made me drew myself apart from him? Ask me ten more times, I'll still say I don't know. As the day goes by, I thought I could muster all of my feelings to be
in love with him. To say that I don't love him is utterly wrong, because I did love him with all of my heart. I've always loved him. I loved how special he made me feel, and I didn't have to care about anything else because he made life simple. Such a simple love we had. We bonded over food, TV series, and online shopping. But I couldn't get over the fact that I wasn't actually IN love with him. I tried my best, really, but I just can't bring myself to be in love with him, and I don't know why. As cliche as it sounds, the brain enthusiastically says yes ; because logically, I should be in love with him. Heck, anyone in fact should be in love with him! But the heart. The heart says no. I wasn't ready, I guess. I wasn't ready for a commitment. My father plays a little part in this. What he did was absolutely disgusting, and I told myself many times to not let it get in the way and to not pollute my mind. Because I should use him as every reason why I should not resent my father for what he did. Not every men is going to end up like him. But I still let it get to me anyways. And the fact that I wasn't ready, I knew it for a very long time but I kept it to myself and I persevere. He was so patient with me, and I thought that maybe I should be patient and let the feeling naturally bloom. I kept trying and trying for as long as I could remember, but I can't seem to bring myself to do so. The more I try, the more frustrated I get with myself, and the more agitated I become. It's very selfish of me, and I cannot begin to further express the magnitude of how horrible my every action was. It wasn't long after that when Skyping became more of a routine than something I'd get all jumpy and excited for. I wanted to be alone, and freedom was what I long after caging and suffocating myself, trying to force myself to be committed to him.
With : All the times we spent, all the effort put forth and all the memories carved was wonderful. How it turned out to be was tragic. You must be regretting for walking into Machines and I don't blame you for that. I never understood how someone can be so patient with me, and you proved it to me someone could. And that person was you. You taught me how how simple and easy love can be, but in return I taught you how disgusting love is and how it destroys your every living being. I've hurt you so much in many possible ways I don't even want to imagine. I really wished that things didn't have to turn out this way, and I will spend the rest of my living being with so much of regret and loathe for myself. But there's no point crying over spilt milk. Things have vastly changed over the course of few months. People change. Feelings change. But most importantly I changed, and I cannot begin to express how sorry I am for wasting so much of time, effort and feelings. I hope that you wouldn't end up with how unfaithful, hopeless and disgusting love is just like how I imagine it, because not all girls are as evil, cold and heartless as I am. Maybe, in a different universe, I would be so in love with you, and I will love you as much as you love me.
So, I guess that's the end of my story. I guess this "beautiful" thing people are ever so hungry for isn't for everyone. Not for me anymore, at least. Things may not work out, but we'll live. We'll learn to be happy and content with life again. We'll start over and paint a picture that's more beautiful. A picture that doesn't involve the two of us perhaps. We'll learn from mistakes and grow from it. I'm going to take this as a life lesson and enjoy the thrilling rides and adventures that life has put forth for me. I really hope that I don't change your perception towards love, because it really isn't that ugly (as long as I am not involved, haha). I sound very hypocritical (after the whole speech about my father), but that only applies to me. There's so much about this thing for us to explore while we're still trying to figure out this mysterious equation we call life. But all in all, I am again, truly sorry for everything that I've done.
